MaverickZ71

I had to go see the doctor today for a plugged ear. He said, "What ear is it?" I said, "2024."

I just started the 24 hour no swearing challenge, which I will be restarting in just 23 hours and 55 minutes.

A boy was on the corner trying to sell his lawnmower. A preacher riding a bike saw the kid selling the lawnmower. He decided to ask the boy how much he wanted it. "Well sir, what I really want is a new bike,” said the boy. The preacher thought about it and asked him if he would be willing to trade the lawnmower for the bike he was riding. The boy told him he would need to ride it around first to see if he likes it. The preacher agreed and off the boy went. He came back and told the preacher that the bike was acceptable and that he had a deal. The preacher pushes his new lawnmower a couple houses down and decides to start it. He pulled and pulled, but couldn't get it started. The boy saw him struggling and rode over to him. "What's the matter sir?” said the boy. "I can't seem to get it started!" "Yes sir, this here is a cussing lawn mower. You will need to cuss in order to get it started,” the boy replied. "A cussing lawnmower? Oh no son. I am a preacher, a man of God. I haven't cussed in decades and it's been so long since I have cussed, I don't even remember what the words are." "Well preacher man, you keep yanking on that rope long enough and they'll come back to you!"

Now where did that 7/16 end wrench get to, and why is the engine down on power??

https://x.com/Dannyjokes/status/1836823264775262505?t=8lFtyN9VjfLFx5osa8YyGg&s=19

Customer states: Vibration. Firestone Service Tech: Unable to duplicate.

Taco Bell, or a page from Israel?

I accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart today, and long story short, I'm covering for Debbie this weekend.

If there is tech out there that can surge batteries until they explode, what does that mean for people who drive electric cars?

I got laser eye surgery today. The surgeon came in a little bit afterwards and asked me if I wanted the good news or the bad news first. I said, "I'll take the good news first." The surgeon said, "Well, you're about to get a new dog!"

My wife and I were out bear hunting over the weekend when we came across a large mysterious hole in the ground. It was so deep we couldn't see the bottom of it. I walked off looking for something to throw down the hole, hoping to see how deep it was. I found a very heavy, old, rusty boat anchor nearby and my wife helped me throw it down the hole. We were standing there listening and looking over the edge when suddenly, we heard some wrestling in the brush behind us. As we both turned around we saw a goat come crashing through the brush and went flying past us and jumped head first right into the hole. While we were standing there looking at each other and gazing into the hole trying to figure out what the hell was going on, an old farmer walked up. He asked us if we had seen his goat. I said, “Yes sir, she ran right past us going like 80 miles an hour and jumped head first, right into this hole!" “That’s impossible,” the man said. "I had her chained to a very heavy boat anchor!”

Well, it finally happened. My neighbors spoke to me, so, I did what I had to do. I strapped on an ankle monitor and went outside with my shirt on inside out and argued with a tree. That should hold them off for a while.

My wife and I are self-employed. Last month after we paid all our bills we had some extra cash left over, so we voted on what to do with it. My wife said, "Let's save it." I voted, "Let's buy a new truck." It was 1-1 until around 3:00 am when 750,000 votes came in for a new truck. Now my wife is suspicious.

I'm getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand!