MaverickZ71

Now THAT'S a pork tenderloin sammich!

Killer bowls.

I got kicked out of a flat earth group for asking if that 6 ft social distance rule ever pushed anyone over the edge...

Me: "Have you ever heard of Murphy's Law?" Them: "Yeah." Me: "What is it?" Them: "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong." Me: "Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?" Them: "No, what is it?" Me: "Thinly sliced cabbage."

I want one!

My wife and I have a lot of potted plants. During this recent cold spell, my wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little garden snake was hiding in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and my wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. I ran out into the living room naked from the shower to see what the problem was. She told me there was a snake under the sofa. I got down on the floor on my hands and knees to look for it. About that time our dog came in and cold-nosed me on the behind. I thought the snake had bitten me, so I screamed and fell over on the floor. My wife thought I had a heart attack, so she covered me up, told me to lie still and called an ambulance. The first responders rushed in, would not listen to my protests and loaded me on a stretcher, and started carrying me out. My wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told my wife, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wiggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to do CPR to revive her. His wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on my wife's mouth and slammed him in the back of the head with a can of peas, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke my wife from her faintness and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breathe sir...... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when my wife tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp shattered, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. A few months later, the house was repaired, and everything was back to normal. We were watching TV one evening and the weatherman announced a cold front for that night. My wife asked me if I thought we should bring in the plants for the night. And that's when I shot her, 'Your Honor'!

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?” The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this crap?!"

I called my local radio station this morning to request a song. When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win the grand prize." "Woah!" I shouted with excitement. "It's a math question," he said, "Are you feeling confident?" "I have a degree in math" I proudly said. "Okay then, to win the 2 VIP tickets to see Taylor Swift and to meet her backstage afterwards, what is 2+2?" "12," I replied.

I got really drunk last night and decided that do my own taxes. Looks like I'm getting a refund of $3,689,225.00.

A woman approached a Catholic priest. "Father forgive me for disturbing you. But, do you perform burial services?" The priest calmly answered, "Yes my child of course." It is our duty to perform and help with these arrangements. May I know what the relationship of the deceased is to you?" The woman, pleased, responded, "My poor dog Rocky has passed away. I would like for him to be buried properly. The priest, offended said, "A burial for a dog? No, we don't do that!" The woman asked, "Do you know who would do a funeral for my dog Rocky?" "I bet the Baptist church on the corner would do it," he said. "Sir, do you think $5,000 will be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preist replied, "Ma'am, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

Every couple of months, I will go outside and run the vacuum cleaner over the driveway while wearing my Hannibal Lecter grill mask, just to ensure that the neighbors never try to talk to us.

I went in for a job interview today. The interviewer said, "Your application says you are fast with math?" "Yes, that's correct," I said. He said, "Okay, what is 37x15?" I said, "76." He said, "That's not even close." I said, "But it was fast."

Results of a nationwide poll of the preferred Superbowl teams, by area:

Remember the good ol days when you'd charge one of these and toss it to a Freshman in Shop Class?

The amount of people who confuse “to” and “too” is just amazing two me.

The other day I was on my way to work, and I had to pee, so I stopped at a convenience store to use their restroom. I was standing there at the urinal and my pee went in several different directions. Up the wall, down my leg, in my boots and all over the guy standing at the urinal next to me. Embarrassed, I apologized and quickly left. I drove straight to my doctor's office and demanded that they see me right away. They immediately took me back, and after my examination, the Doctor said, “Extraordinary! I've never seen anything like that. “Holes man! You’ve got holes in your penis, that’s why you’re urinating everywhere.” Shocked, I asked him what am I supposed to do? How can I live life like this? He reassured me. “Don't worry he said, this is the address and phone number of my sister, she’ll be able to help you.” “Oh is she a special surgeon or something?” I asked. “No,” he said, “She plays the clarinet for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, she’ll show you where to put your fingers.”

When my daughter was a teenager, she said, "Dad, how do you know when you're in love?" I said, "You'll know, I promise!." She said, "When did it happen to you then?" I said, "Well, I was in this bar when a group of girls came in. One was stunning with a gorgeous figure and a beautiful smile. She looked straight into my eyes and that was it. Then, cupid appeared on my shoulder and drew back his bow and fired a shot at her. Unfortunately, he missed and hit your mother."

Uphill, both ways.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am, Grump. Cheers