Thought you knew tools?

PeterbiltChrome · January 31, 2005

Tools Explained

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on a Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your tool box, vise grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense heat to the palm of your hand.

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pulling Poster over the work bench.

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.

Snap-on Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips: See hacksaw.

Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to comsume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the battle of the bulge. More often dark than light, its name somewhat misleading.

Plillips Screwdriver:Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a chicago pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened years ago and rounds them off.

Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army Knife in stickum and plastic. Its safety wire, body material, radiator hose, insulation, tow rope and more in an easy to carry package.

Baling Wire: Commonly known to hold anything thats too hot for tape or ties. Baling Wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles.