Couple Jokes

[MadFish]

> One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to

> his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he

> shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge

> shotgun.

>

> The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a

> doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at

> the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could

> be done for him.

>

> "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich

>

>  man and can pay you anything."

>

> "Sorry, son," said the doctor.  "There's nothing I can do.

> However, there's a man across the street who might be able

> to help you."

>

> "Oh really? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.

>

> "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll

> teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face!"

> ************************************************************

> A married man and his secretary were having a torrid

> affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion,

> so they rushed over to her place where they spent the

> afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished,

> they fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8 o'clock.

>

> They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary

> to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.

> Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he was pretty

> weird).

>

> The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the

> door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I

> cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.

> Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the

> afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm

> late."

>

> The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says,

> "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU

> GODDAMN LIAR!!! You've been playing golf again, haven't

> you!?"

> ************************************************************

> An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who

> shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting

> room was filled with patients.

>

> He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was

> a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave

> her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said,

> "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE...YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR

> ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

>

> All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head

> around to look at the very embarrassed man.

>

> He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice

> replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE

> OPERATION....AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

> ************************************************************

> A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have

> some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're

> afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."

>

> So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

>

> "Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking

> daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.

>

> "Mud baths?  Will that help me, doc?"

>

> "Probably not....But at least you'll get used to being

> covered in dirt!"

> ************************************************************

> Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when

> one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the

> other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it

> down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

>

> A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and

> rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves

>

> friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his

> notebook.

>

> "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

>

> "'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific

> attack,"

> says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

>

> "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.

>

> "Then what are you?" the reporter askes.

>

> "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly.

>

> The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

> "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"