Men vs. Women

[Scyry]

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

 

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want…

I am sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

 

MEN’S ENGLISH

 

I am hungry = I am hungry

I am sleepy = I am sleepy

I am tired = I am tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I’d like to have sex with you

I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay

 

NAMES

 

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 

EATING OUT

 

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

 

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Travelodge.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

 

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

CATS

 

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

 

FUTURE

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

 

DRESSING UP

 

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the dustbin, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing

[Wingnut]

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

You know, I've thought long and hard on this...Why is it that every woman I've ever been with wakes up looking like death warmed over, while I wake up and look in the mirror thinking "d**n, I'm hot"?

 

Well, I've pretty much figured it out...It's because all of her makup is on my face.