A Yankee's guide to the south

Kania2k1 · May 22, 2002

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Do not buy food at the movie store.

6. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

7. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

8. People walk slower here.

9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

19. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

20. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

21. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

22. If you hear music from your neighbors house, join in on the chorus.

23. If you are a woman with a flat tire, don't worry - someone will be along shortly to change it for you. This is the South and we don't let our womenfolk change flat tires.

24. Yes, we do have garbage pickup twice a week here.

25. While you didn't realize it, the National Anthem does end with "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!"

26. However you did it in the North is of no concern to those of us in the South.

27. Flannel shirts can be considered formal wear in the wintertime.

28. Those nice white buildings on the street corners, across from the convenience stores, are called churches! Pick one and attend.

29. Learn to play softball.

30. Learn to eat watermelon. Seed spitting is optional but distance is a virtue.

31. You have 10 days to get your Alabama tape, Bear Bryant Cup and learn all of verses to "I'll Fly Away" after establishing residency. Get your drivers license when you get time to do it.

32. Learn to visit the Space and Rocket Center at least one time each year.

33. Appreciate leaving the house 30 minutes before concert time and being seated 10 minutes before concert time.

May 22, 2002

So True.

"American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God!"

The Beav · May 22, 2002

As a Damn Yankee who lived in middle Georgia for 3+ years, I can attest to the truth of all of these!

CityTruck · May 22, 2002

18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

I was able to hold my stupid grin until I got to that one.

GREATNESS!!!

gandolphxx · May 24, 2002

Twenty years down here and I now understand all of those

MarkD · May 24, 2002

Saaaaa-Lute!!

Truckman031 · February 27, 2003

So True.

"American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God!"

I got that on a t-shirt.

TROYROBO · February 27, 2003

:thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:

pacodiablo · February 27, 2003

Sounds like home to me...

I have another one...

34. Don't be suprised if your truck is stolen but the new Mustang next to it is left untouched... (personal experiance )

elboberino · February 27, 2003

The South sounds like a lot more fun than the hippie-infested town of Boulder.....ROADTRIP!

95whtZR2 · February 27, 2003

"YEE F*CKIN HAW"-Kevin Fowler

Yeah when I was littler', my pa useta come out and get us boys and ma and we would all sit aroun' and watch the Dukes of Hazard, that wus our "family time"....

Tom

(yes I was making fun of the South, but the Dukes of Hazard kick @$$!!!!)

JonesNTN · February 28, 2003

35. If you need to talk to somebody, you can be certain they will be found at Wal-mart on eirther Friday or Saturday night.

MarkD · February 28, 2003

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your butt.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying #### whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke.

Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an butt kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your butt.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g.Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your butt.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the #### up. Just spend your money and get the #### out of here, or we'll kick your butt.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your butt.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your butt kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your butt.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your butt all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . .. minus your butt!

95whtZR2 · February 28, 2003

MarkD

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is too good man...

Tom

doverarjim · March 1, 2003

1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends you, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter.

21.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her little heart" and go your own way.