Rules for Women

Elwood · February 13, 2004

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

# 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

# 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

# 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

# 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

# 1. Crying is blackmail.

# 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!

# 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

# 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

# 1. Yes and No a re perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

# 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

# 1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.

# 1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

# 1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

# 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us act like soap opera guys.

# 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.

# 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

# 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

# 1. Christopher Columb us did not need directions, and neither do we.

# 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

# 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

# 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

# 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

# 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

# 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!

# 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

# 1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape

# 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Signed,

ALL MEN