Found something at the Pawn Shop this weekend

rcj_houston · November 8, 2005

Dear Friends,

People who know me are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y’all hold my drink and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this story chronicled on the History Channel in the near future. Here goes.

This weekend I spied something at a Pawn Shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this household security product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your basic 250 lb. tattooed sociopath assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed! Upon reading the directions (I'm a techno-geek...we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are just a whole bunch of fun. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

Okay…I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat on the couch, my little dog Booger looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me doin' the readin', Booger) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Booger for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet animal, after all. But, if I was going to give this as a gift for someone to protect themselves against a mugger, I wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Booger looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY Cr@p!!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Hulk Hogan ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet eight or nine times. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nip's on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Booger was standing next to me making weird little sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "That was fun! Do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) Oh my GOD that hurt!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen "Da boys"? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

PS: This story is entirely made up…but it was funny wasn’t it? And I know that each one of you could see me doing this to myself and for that, I give each of you many thanx. You know me well! I hope I made you smile today… And yes, my( Men in Black Pug dog's) name is really Booger

mmmikkke · November 10, 2005

Ok, ok, I believed your story all the way to the end.

I was going to point out that you probably just shared a needle with a drug addict infected with who-knows-what...

So if you ever really *do* get tazed, can you count on those macho law enforcement officials having sterilized the taser tips? Doubt it.

ZE5 · May 4, 2006

you have any pictures of your dog? i have a pug too, her name is tasha. but nice story... it made me laugh

921500Z71 · May 5, 2006

I also thought that was true until the end. Back in 9th grade our science teacher had a 200,000 volt taser and we would taser each other when there wasnt anything to do in class. Or set up the whole class holding hands the person in front holding a screwdriver and the person in back holding a faucet. Then our teacher would hold the taser up to the screw driver and zap 15 of us. Man was that fun.

pwall · May 5, 2006

That story game me quite the chuckle.....and on a Friday!

bobcat5544 · May 5, 2006

I dont believe you, I say your all talk No show.

If you want us to believe that crap video tape your self doing it and then load it up on the internet so we can watch and have a good laugh...

General Lee 01 · May 6, 2006

I stopped believing when you said all the stuff about being thrashed to the ground by Hulk Hogan and all.

I've been hit with a 150k volt one and indeed it was painful but there wasn't any thrashing about.

I was going to point out that you probably just shared a needle with a drug addict infected with who-knows-what...

So if you ever really *do* get tazed, can you count on those macho law enforcement officials having sterilized the taser tips? Doubt it.

They dont really need to be sterilized, the prongs just touch the outside of the skin, they don't puncture. You must be talking about the Tazers you see on cops that shoot projectile type prongs into your "Target".

defyrfytr · May 7, 2006

Very funny. You know someone has probably tried this but just wont admit to it....

catnfool · May 24, 2006

OK, time to tell a story on myself... I used to get off work at 3am and at 18 years old, your brain is just starting to wake up! My buddy ran hounds and had a shock collar there. Oh yeah, did I mention we used to drink from 3am until the next shift came in at 7 am? I asked my "friend" how much those little collars had for shock and he said "I've never tried one on." Well, at least I didn't put it around my neck, but was holding it in my had when he hit the trigger. I tried throwing it on the ground, but couldn't let go, and my "friend" would not let up on the button!!! I guess you live and learn; my "friend" finally let off, and they STILL talk about my twitch I got from that

Nash · May 25, 2006

Good story. I used to work for a sporting goods store that sold those things. We kept them in the glass cases with the guns. The one we carried used a 9 volt battery, and it did shoot sparks between the contacts. The guys used to love to play with it to see how far it would arc to the metal surrounding the display case. Which of course is where my story turns funny. One of the guys was with a rather good looking red headed customer (talking to her about how big his gun was no doubt) and having a great time. He was leaning over the glass counter (with the metal trim), when one of the other guys decided to see how far the arc on the taser would jump. Now he was not trying to cause our flirting friend any harm, but it took about 10 seconds before his eyes rolled back forward. It was about 20 minutes later before we could stop laughing long enough to ask him if he was alright. Last I heard, he still has flashbacks everytime he sees a red head.

True storie.