John Boy and Billy Show

[JonesNTN]

That comedians commentary about the wars France had fought and lost? It was on this morning, had me crying, I was laughing so hard.

[JonesNTN]

Found a transcript.

* Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000

years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

* Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic

who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's

armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

 

* Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever

lose two wars when fighting Italians.

* Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

* Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

* War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpot aschapeaux.

* The Dutch War - Tied

* War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War

Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles

the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

* War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their

first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

* American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to

future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw

far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most

of the fighting."

* French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was

also French.

* The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

* The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk

Fratboy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

* World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the

United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not

only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."

Sadly,widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

* World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and

Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

* War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with

the Dien Bien Flu.

* Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army

by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule

of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical

to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,

Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

* War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should

not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"