Weekend humor

Kansas Kid · November 17, 2001

I think this is JP ;)

Kansas Kid · November 17, 2001

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert

himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you.

Go home and show her you're the boss."

The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to

implement the Doctor's advice ... He rushed home, slammed

the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From

now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right

now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay

out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys

and you're going to stay home where you belong. And

another thing ... you know who's going to comb my hair,

adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly ......... "The undertaker."

Kansas Kid · November 17, 2001

I got plenty more where these came from, but I will save those for a later date.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of

Guinness and, sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out

of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back

to the bar and orders three more.

The, bartender, approaches and tells him, "You know, a pints

goes flat after I draw it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you, see, I have two

brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia,, and,

I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd

drink this, way, to, remember the days we drank together. So

I drink one for each o'me, brothers, and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it

there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always,

drinks, the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them

in turn.

One day, he, comes in and orders two pints. All the other

regulars take notice and, fall, silent. When he comes back to

the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't

want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my,

condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment then a light

dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just,

fine,", he explains. "It's just that me wife had us join that

Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected me brothers though.

General Lee 01 · November 17, 2001

LOL

I got one....

A newly-wed couple just finish eating dinner on a friday night. The husband tells his wife "I'm going out Tonight.". "Oh really my sweet hubby-wubby? (Talking all cute-like) Where too?" the wife asks.

Man: "Out to the bar."

Wife: "The bar? Oh, well, why? (plus more "cutie pie" crap LOL)

Man: "Well Honey, I just wanna kick back and have a beer or 2."

Wife (goes into fridge and gets out a beer): "Well here you go my cutie wutie, now will you stay?"

Man: "Well, I want to have my beer in a frosty glass."

Wife goes into freezer and pulls out a glass cup: "Here you go my cubby-wubby. Now will you stay?"

Man: "Alright, uh, listen, I just want to hang with my friends and talk dirty."

Wife: "You want to talk dirty-wirty my little hubby wubby?"

Man: "yes"

Wife: "Well then ok you dumb son of a b*tch! I've got you a F-ing beer, and put it in a G*dd*mn frosty glass! Now you take that frosty F-ing glass of beer into the d#mn living room, and sit your fat butt on the F-ing couch and watch the D*mn figure skating show with me!"

doverarjim · November 18, 2001

Well here goes my joke of the week:

A country boy goes out to do his morning chores and when he goes to milk the cow she steps on his foot so he kicks her, when he slops the hogs one old sow steps on him so he kicks her, when he goes to the hen house to get eggs one old hen pecks at him and he kicks her. When he goes into the house for breakfast his mother has just one piece of toast on his plate and he asks her "where is my bacon" and she says "I saw what you did to the pig, we may not get anymore pork so you can do without today". And he asks "where are my eggs?" "She says I saw what you did to the hen and she may not lay anymore eggs so you don't get any today." He asks "where is my milk?" And she answers "I saw what you did to the cow, she may not give anymore milk so you do without today." About this time his dad comes into the kitchen and the house cat goes running between his feet and he trips over the cat and then he kicks at it. The boy looks at his mother and says "Are you going to tell him or should I"