George Carlin's

Wingnut · March 10, 2003

I have seen most of these, but thought I would share them anyways.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? And we have to be "patient"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

30. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

31. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

32. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

33. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

34. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

35. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

36. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

37. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole #### airplane made out of that stuff?

39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

40. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

41. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

42. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack and how do you get inside to begin with?

43. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

44. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

45. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? {The government takes it!}

46. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

47. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

48. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

49. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

50. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

51. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

52. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

53. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

54. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

55. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

56. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

57. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

58. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail.

59. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

60. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

61. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

62. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

63. If your mother was telling the truth with, "You'll poke your eye out," why aren't there 60 million kids with Seeing Eye Dogs and tin cups?

64. Who are "THEY”? And how is it that THEY seem to know everything about us? And who paid for all of the tests and studies that THEY did?

65. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

66. Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE.

67. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

68. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

69. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?