Chili Cookoff

[PaulieK]

A Texas Chili Contest Warning - If you can read this whole story without

laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

 

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to

the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It

takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.

 

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting from Longmont, CO.

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking

contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to

the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other

two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted."

 

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge#3)

 

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried

paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope

that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

 

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

 

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in

the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the

beer...

 

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or

other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my

lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop

screaming. Screw those rednecks.

 

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will

eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I

need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

 

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili....

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about

Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At

least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop

breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If

I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold,

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 -- farted, passed

out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if

he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really

hot chili?

[Buggle_96]

omg lol, just finished literally wiping me tears..why is that so funny? lol

[OUMike]

hahah yea thats awesome

[Wingnut]

omg lol, just finished literally wiping me tears..why is that so funny? lol

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

 

Because it has farting AND Texans in it.

[NDHunter]

That was AWESOME

 

i usually don't laugh out loud reading jokes, but that was great

 

[Clavin78]

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop

screaming. Thats the best.

[Dr. DanH]

Had to go back to read the last Chili contestant...too many tears in the eyes. LMAO

[Tyreguy]

That gets funnier every time I read it.

[Nappers]

I sent this to my Bailiff Bretheren and lucky some were not in session as we were all lauging our @$$e$ off.

 

Thanks for that.

 

Aaron

[pwall]

I'm not a chili fan at all....which most likely made this all the more funny for me!

[ZZ327]

 

haahhaa, thats the funny as hell!

[kssooner]

thats one of the funnier things I have read