JOTD: One-Liners for us sick-o's

Bad Bowtie2 · March 28, 2013

-I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster!!!

-I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

******************* IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE THOSE, STOP READING NOW!!***********************

-After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on man! Soldier on!!”

-I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30am.

-The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

-My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you a$s!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

-EDIT:Offensive comment removed

-A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”

“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

-A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor!!

-I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

-My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault..... I should have taken them off.