Policemans one-liners

Wingnut · July 9, 2004

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

R Dogg 56 · July 9, 2004

Good stuff there.

99silveradoz71 · July 10, 2004

Oh I wish I were a Sgt. so I could use that shift supervisor line. I've had a few good ones this year on nights...it tends to bring out the best in me dealing with 20-something year old drunks every night.

PELICAN · July 10, 2004

LMAO I think I have run into a few of those cops

General Lee 01 · July 10, 2004

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

The SPEEDY · July 10, 2004

This is my fav police man joke evar.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Edit: I know it's an old one.

PELICAN · July 11, 2004

This is my fav police man joke evar.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Edit: I know it's an old one.

it is an old one but one my my favorites

GOY · October 15, 2004

How about these two....

A guy is flying down a road at about 80 MPH, and blows past a cop hidden behind a sign running speed enforcement. The copper lights him up and pulls him over. The individual seems rushed when the cop approaches and the conversation goes like this:

Man: "I'm really sorry sir, the Hospital called me and they need me there RIGHT NOW!"

COP: "What do you do at the hospital?"

Man: "I'm a rectum stretcher."

COP: "Whats a rectum stretcher do?"

Man: "Well sir, we have this claw like device that we insert into a patients rectum,

and stretch it out to about 6 feet."

COP: "What do you do with a 6 foot *hole?"

Man: "Give him a radar gun and put him behind a sign."

Joke 2:

A horse patrol officer is riding along and notices about an 8 year old kid riding a bike next to him. The cop stops him, and asks "Did Santa give you that bike?" The kid joyfully says "Yeah, actually he did!" The cop hands him a traffic ticket and says, "Next time make sure he gives you a rear deflector with the bike, kid."

The child looked shocked, and hurt... then looked back up at the officer and said, "Hey officer, that's a nice horse, did Santa give that to you for christmas." The officer thought he would play along, and laughed slightly while saying "Well, yes, he did." The child smiled... and said, "Well next time, tell Santa that the dick goes between the horses legs, not on top."

And with that, I will finish by saying I'm in a police acedemy, and these jokes are just in fun.