Tazer gun

[Black02Silverado]

Dear Friends,

 

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be

something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have

outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled

in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

 

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my

fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really

cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you

who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with

two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of

high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects

are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply

jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and

it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,

pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then

you're truly missing out--way too cool!

 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was

so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'

directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model

would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love

fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed

it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

 

I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet

to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There

I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I

must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and

thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was

going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I

wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer

in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two

itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

 

 

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those

of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm

sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as

to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a

tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking

under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a

one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision

is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad

decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't

ya hate that?)

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ***!

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

 

 

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked

me up out of that recliner, then body

slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on

my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under

my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me

making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,

undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel

compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no

such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to

let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent

thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one

of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-*****

that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the

fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both

titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with

Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two,

I'm pretty sure.

 

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm

offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and

handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em

back

 

This wasn't me, I got this in an e-mail. Totaly hilarious