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Tool Descriptions...

plainvanilla

By plainvanilla
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plainvanilla Enthusiast

plainvanilla

Posted
Posted

Tool Descriptions

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly

snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it

smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the

room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane

part you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them

somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also

removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses

in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

 

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija

board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,

unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence

its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding

heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting

various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy

for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the

bearing race out of.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the

ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads,

trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an

automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has

another hydraulic floor jack.

 

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder

than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you

couldn't use anyway.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile

strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on

the end opposite the handle.

 

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.

Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of

vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise

found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main

purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same

rate that 105-mm howitzer s****s might be used during, say,

the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often

dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of

old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your

shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip

out Phillips screw heads.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a

coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it

into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago

Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over

tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds

off their heads.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that

clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a

50¢ part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

 

RTV SILICONE SEALANT: Used to make a flexible bandage and wound covering after using one of the above items.

Wingnut Senior Enthusiast

Wingnut

Posted
Posted

No kidding. If you include the wire wheel I have on my bench grinder...Man, that thing just makes things go *poof*...And they're gone for good.

asepgrad98 Senior Enthusiast

asepgrad98

Posted
Posted

here are a few i just made up

 

THE B.F.H.: The biggest hammer in your tool box. Used to loosen parts stuck together and make nice bruises on the back of your hand from a deflected swing.

 

BLACK TAPE: An electical cure all, cant find that butt connector, or soddering iron? No problem. Also great for keeping that paper towel from sliding off your recently cut finger.

 

JB WELD: Got a coolant leak? Dont go buy parts at the auto parts store and replace the leaking part! Only suckers do that. Just mix up some of this magic goo and BAM! 10 minutes later youre back drinking Budweiser and watchin WWF rastlin like God intended.

 

DIGITAL VOLT METER: Want to impress your friends that went to liberal arts colleges? Just whip this bad boy out and measure something. Also makes a great smoke bomb when you hook it up in AMP mode when you are trying to measure 115VAC.

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      push to talk button

      By davester · Posted

      drive the truck back to the dealer and complain that the button works.
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