Redneck Humor

[Zembonez]

(Q) How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?

(A) When you call the front desk and say "I gotta leak in my sink"... the clerk replies "Go ahead".

 

(Q) Why is it nearly impossible to solve a redneck homicide?

(A) All of the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

 

(Q) Who invented the toothbrush?

(A) A Redneck. (if it had been anybody else, it would have been called a teethbrush)

 

(Q) Did you hear about the 3 million dollar Redneck Lottery?

(A) The winner gets three dollars a year for one million years.

[VMax2007]

These are almost as old as you Jim, but still pretty funny.

[Zembonez]

These are almost as old as you Jim, but still pretty funny.

Well duh. I didn't write 'em. They are oldies.

 

Somebody sent them to me today and I thought a little redneck humor would stink up the place nicely tonight.

[Z71kris]

thats what we need here is more spice!

[BuckFeverZ]

Redneck Driver's Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

 

Last name: ________________

 

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

 

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

 

Spouse's Name: __________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

 

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

 

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

 

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________

 

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained a higher education what was your

major?

[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

 

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

 

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

 

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you

are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

 

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck ____ kitchen

____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse

____ shed ____ pawnshop

 

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

 

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

 

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

 

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

 

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not Applicable

 

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

 

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

 

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile

[_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

[BuckFeverZ]

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

 

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

[BuckFeverZ]

Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer

 

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

 

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

 

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

 

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

 

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

 

5. The password is "Bubba".

 

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

 

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

 

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

 

And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...

 

The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[Zembonez]

Classic stuff... and funny.

[rvsahs]

These are almost as old as you Jim, but still pretty funny.

Well duh. I didn't write 'em. They are oldies.

 

Somebody sent them to me today and I thought a little redneck humor would stink up the place nicely tonight.

 

I'm sure Brain will take care of that once he gets back from the Mex restaurant...

[MarkD]

Funny!

 

(Dontcha hate it when you cant remember a joke)

[BuckFeverZ]

 

Redneck Palm Pilot:

 

 

[Z71kris]

Funny!

 

(Dontcha hate it when you cant remember a joke)

that could be old age...

 

 

just saying.... dont hate.....

[Z71kris]

Redneck Palm Pilot:

 

 

 

 

nice!

[BuckFeverZ]

Windows for Rednecks:

 

[rvsahs]