Advice form the south

gandolphxx · February 22, 2002

Subject: SOUTHERN ADVICE

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance .. The South has an amalance.

The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.

The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

HAVE A GOOD DAY! Send this to four people that ain't related to ya, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it!

Vortec5.3 · February 22, 2002

LOL

General Lee 01 · February 22, 2002

The North has "ABC" stores. The South has Wal-Mart Supercenter.

Jpshostr · February 22, 2002

The North has "ABC" stores.

WTF is that? Wouldn't exactly say the north has them if I've never heard of one.

General Lee 01 · February 22, 2002

Alright, make that "liquor stores".

MountaineerTom · February 22, 2002

Yep, liquor stores.

Maybe your not as far north as you thought JP.

Likarok · February 25, 2002

Love this advice...thought for a minute there you were telling us to stay in our cars so we don't have a repeat of the love scene from Deliverence.

scooter70 · February 25, 2002

Alright, make that "liquor stores".

In New England it's a "packie". (usage: "We need more beer, let's go on a packie run."

In Michigan, a "party store". This confused me for a while. I thought that was where you bought balloons and such.

AU Chevy · February 26, 2002

We got ABC stores. Gots two of 'em in Auburn.

One of my fellow students from Wisconsin got hit by a large 4x4 truck the first day he came to Alabama. Got hit again by another large 4x4 when he went home for a week and came back here. I told him he needed to get rid of the Wisconsin tag, we're still fighting the war down here. :lookaround:

MountaineerTom · February 26, 2002

I've heard a few people here in SC call them ABC stores. All of them here have big red dots on the store. :idontgetit: The story around here is that they have those big red dots on the store so people that can't read know where the liquor store is. Pretty funny, I thought.