INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

[Jpshostr]

Recently I was "selected" as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I  happened to be Standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was  assured by the other two judges, (native Texans), that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and that I could have free beer during the tasting.  

 

I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:  

 

 

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili  

 

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.  

 

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.  

 

FRANK: Holy xxxx, what the #### is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to  put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.  

     

 

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili  

 

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.  

 

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.  

 

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.  

     

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili  

 

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.  

 

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.  

 

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting xxxx-faced from all the beer.  

     

 

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic  

 

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.  

 

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.  

 

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds?   Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this  nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?  

 

 

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover  

 

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.  

 

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.  

 

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I xxxxx passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly onto it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really xxxxxx chaps me off that the other judges have asked me to stop screaming. Screw those   rednecks!  

       

 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety  

 

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.  

 

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.  

 

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I xxxx myself when I xxxxxxx passed gas and I'm worried it will eat Through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that #### Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my xxx rear with a snow cone!  

 

 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili  

 

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.  

 

JUDGE TWO: Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.  

 

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, and pull the pin. I wouldn't feel a #### thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like xxxx stuff to match my stained shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. Screw it- I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.  

       

 

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili  

 

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.  

 

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost  when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. #### Yankee, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?  

 

FRANK: ----(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report