Joke Of The Day

[Zembonez]

A Louisiana businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis!'

The husband said 'The what?'

The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis.'

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband immediately bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.

Her husband had neglected to tell her how to send it back to its box!

So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got a Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

 

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'

[rvsahs]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine

 

that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the

 

father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were

 

both very much in favor of it.

 

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that

 

even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever

 

experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt

 

fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

 

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

 

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's

 

blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.

 

At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued

 

to feel quite well.

 

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged

 

the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a

 

healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were

 

ecstatic.

 

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

 

[rvsahs]

19 BOOKS REJECTED BY DR. SEUSS

 

1. The Cat went Splat

 

2. Are You My Proctologist?

 

3. Fox in Detox

 

4. Who Shat in the Hat?

 

5. Horton Needs a Ho

 

6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax

 

7. How the Grinch Stole the Goods

 

8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?

 

9. Yertle the Rabid Gerbil

 

10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, I'm a Bitch, You're a Bitch

 

11. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

 

12. Would You, Could You, With a Goat

 

13. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

 

14. Auntie's in My Panties

 

15. Riches Bring Bitches

 

16. Hop On Pop

 

17. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!

 

18. Horton Fakes an 'O'

 

19. The Grinch's Ten Inches

 

[rvsahs]

The Perfect Day for Her

 

08:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses

 

08:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday

 

08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants

 

09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil

 

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

 

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out

 

12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

 

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs

 

13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

 

15:00 Nap

 

16:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer

 

16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage

 

17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror

 

19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing

 

22:00 Hot shower (alone)

 

22:30 Make love

 

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

 

23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

 

The Perfect Day for Him:

 

06:00 Alarm

 

06:15 Blowjob

 

06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today

 

07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee

 

07:30 Limo arrives

 

07:45 Several Bloody Marys enroute to airport

 

08:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)

 

09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club

 

09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)

 

11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Shiners

 

12:15 Blowjob

 

12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)

 

14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)

 

14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)

 

15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew

 

16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)

 

17:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Catherine Bell

 

18:45 Shit, shower and shave

 

19:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Obama resigns, Hillary and Al

 

Gore 3-some with farm animal video released and authenticated.

 

19:15 ESPN scoreboard shows OSU defeats OU in football game played in Norman, 56-7.

 

19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak

 

21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar

 

21:30 Sex with three women

 

23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi

 

23:45 Bed (alone)

 

23:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room

 

23:55 Sleep

 

[Zembonez]

Holy cow... you are on a roll Roger.

 

Funny stuff.

[dietz4ibanez]

[carneyman]

Great quotes by comedians

 

 

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the

video camera and come help me."

--Bobcat Goldthwait

 

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's

where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my

sister's house and ask her for money."

--Kevin Meaney

 

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake

and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,

'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "

--Paula Poundstone

 

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a

single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall

people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

 

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every

other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the

locks, they are always locking three."

--Elayne Boosler

 

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"

--John Mendoza

 

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."

--Steven Wright

 

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat

it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they

should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and

before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

 

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills

than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

 

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the

pumpkin."

--Winston Spear

 

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's

how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy

 

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One

day, he took me aside and left me there."

--Ron Richards

 

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up

something else."

--Lily Tomlin

 

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four

people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman

 

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still

far away."

--Billiam Coronell

 

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."

--Rita Rudner

 

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin

 

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.

Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little

Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.

Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,

the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe

clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld

 

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed

it."

--Steven Wright

 

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them

above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "

--Bruce Baum

 

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't

know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You

know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.

'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little

bit?"

--Garry Shandling

 

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York

said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't

cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

 

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

 

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my

fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

[Zembonez]

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

 

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

 

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?" The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."

 

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?" The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running."

 

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:

 

"Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."

[DofD]

 

[Z71kris]

nice!!