Tools 101

[tommypic]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical

stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could

get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,

'Oh Shit!!!!'

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside

the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle

firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to

cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into

the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the

outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids

or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on

your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,

the next tool that you will need.

[Zembonez]

 

[pennzoil29]

[2000DV4.8]

 

So true...

[tobias]

Funny Shit.

[Southwest_ Knight]

nice list man!!!

[longhorn_giant]

Great list. I got a handful of those for Christmas. I think I got 4 Dammit Tools...

[JoshRDavis.84]

 

 

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

use. Also makes deep, long cuts through flesh while attempting to gently seperate

two glued workpieces in an unsafe manner.

 

[dietz4ibanez]

Thats awesome!!! I am trusting these werent your personal experiences around these tools cause if so you might as well never handle them again except for the last one!

[alwcurlz]

I had a pretty good scare a few years back. I was using my side-grinder to cut things and one time the cut-off wheel I was using started slipping and the shaft of the grinder wore a lop-sided slot. I re-aligned and re-tightened it and forgot about it.

 

A few weeks later, I was cutting some pipe on the bench and while I was bearing down, all of a sudden the grinder popped/jerked up nearly out of my hands and the cut-off wheel exploded. A large piece of it came off right where my hand was, and hit 3 fingers and into my chest. The other part flew straight ahead and up, bounced off the wall, then the ceiling, and hit me on the back of the neck. My hand was hurting, my head was hurting, my neck was hurting, and I was shaking and mad and in shock at the same time. I just started laughing and snarling like some animal. No words to describe that moment so I just said uff-da. Nice cuts across the tops of my fingers/knuckles, half inch deep groove in the wall AND ceiling, and a scrape/rash on my neck. Good thing I was wearing goggles. I never found the pieces either. God only knows what would have happened if my guardian angel had not deflected those parts some. 10,000 RPM and something flies off... uff-da. My mom and brother opened the garage door and looked to see what the combination of grinding sound stopping and some clunks were with concerned looks. I just told them I dropped something.

 

Never ever ever use a cut-off wheel if it is damaged. Never think it's worth it to use if it's damaged.

 

Another note: The machinist at work has warned folks about his stone grinders about using soft materials like aluminum or brass. He has said that the stone can explode from soft metals being forced into the stone material.

[onac255]

lol Nice!

[grampadirt]

Can we add to this list?

Air Compressor:a tool which left on and has a small leak always comes on at 3:00 AM,pissing your neighbors off.

[J-man67]

HAHA, thats great!

[D&SYukonDenali]

[faisal]

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on

contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in

use.

 

i use my keys for that...and i have a utility knife saved for bigger things he he