Project LARK

[gandolphxx]

The White House

1200 Pennsylvania  Avenue

Washington,  DC

 

RE:Â  Project  LARK

 

February 25, 2002

 

 

Dear Concerned  Citizen:

 

Thank you for your recent letter  roundly criticizing our

treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees

currently being held at  Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

 

My administration takes these  matters seriously, and

your opinion was heard loud and clear here in

Washington.  You'll be pleased to  learn that, thanks to

the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new

division of the Terrorist  Retraining Program, to be

called the Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers

program, or LARK for short.   In accordance with the

guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place

one terrorist under your personal  care.  Your personal

detainee has been selected and scheduled for

transportation under heavily-armed guard to  your

residence next  Monday.  Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud

(you can just call him Ahmed) is to be  cared for

pursuant  to the standards you personally demanded in

your letter of admonishment.  It will  likely be

necessary  for you to hire some assistant caretakers.  We

will conduct weekly inspections to ensure  that your

standards  of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those

you so strongly recommended in your  letter.

 

Ahmed's meal requirements are  simple, but we strongly

suggest serving meals that do not require utensils,

particularly knives and  forks.  Also, these should

be one-handed foods; Ahmed will not eat  with his left

hand  since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his

bowels (which he will do in your yard) -  but look on the

bright side...no increase in the toilet paper bill!   He

generally bathes  quarterly with the change of seasons,

assuming that it rains, and he washes his  clothes

simultaneously.  This should help with your water  bill.

Also, your  new friend has a really bad case of body lice

that hasn't been completely  remedied.

 

Please read the large orange  notice attached to your

detainee cage: "Does not play well with others".

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and  extremely violent, we

hope that your sensitivity to what you described as

his attitudinal problem will help  him overcome these

character flaws.

 

Perhaps you are correct in  describing these problems as

mere cultural differences.  He will  bite you, given the

chance, but his rabies test came back negative so not to

worry.  We understand that  you plan to offer counseling

and home schooling.

 

Your adopted terrorist is  extremely proficient in hand-

to-hand combat and can extinguish human  life with such

simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.  We do  not

suggest that  you ask him to demonstrate these skills at

your next yoga group.  He is also  expert at making a

wide variety of explosive devices from common household

products, so you may wish to keep  those items locked up,

unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

 

Ahmed will not wish to interact  with your wife or

daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a

subhuman form of property.   However, he will be eager to

assist with the education of your sons;  have available

for  their use several copies of the Quran.  Oh - and

rest assured that he absolutely loves  animals,

especially  cats and dogs.  He prefers them roasted, but

raw is fine, too, if they arent more than 2  or 3 days

dead.

 

Thanks again for your  letter.  We truly appreciate it

when folks like you, who know so much, keep  us informed

of the  proper way to do our job.  We think this watching

over each others shoulder is such a good  way for people

to  interact that we will be sending a team of federal

officials with expertise in your line of  work to your

place  of business soon, just to help you do your job

better.  Dont be concerned that they  have the power to

close your business, seize your property, and arrest you

for any violation of the  4,850,206 federal laws, codes,

regulations and rules that apply to your  profession.

They're  really there just to make sure you're doing

everything the proper way.  That is  what you wanted,

right?

 

Well, thank you for this  opportunity to interact with

such a valued member of the  citizenry.  You take good

care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be  watching.

 

Cordially,

 

 

George W. Bush

 

:blush: