Funny Pilot/ Mechanic humor...

MiSdIrEcTeD_1 · October 23, 2002

I found this quite funny being that Im a soon to be Commercial Flight School student...Tell me what you think...

After every flight, all pilots complete a gripe sheet which is meant to list

problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight. The mechanics use

this checklist to make repais and/or corrections. The actual form is a piece of

paper that the pilot completes, and submits to the mechanics for action.

The mechainic must respond...in writing, on the lower half of the

form...regarding what was done to the aircraft. The pilot reviews the gripe

sheets before the aircraft is put back in service.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers are lacking for a sense of

humor.

The following are actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as

submitted by QUANTAS pilots, along with the solutions recorded by the

maintenance engineers.

By the way, QUANTAS is the only major airline that has never had a fatal

accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs are currently on backorder.

.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with all the words.

.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed

BDBWTE · October 23, 2002

I told you guys there is nothing to worry about when flying all of those guys are professionals and are taking care of even the smallest problems on the plane...everything is fine......

:thumb:

chevy4x4trucks · October 23, 2002

those are hilarious, I'm still cracking up over them. I just sent them to my uncle who is a mechanic for Boeing.

bummed-n-Md · October 29, 2002

had a few similar ones while in the Marine Corps back in the late 70's.

P: Radar altimiter (RADALT) fails above 5000 feet.

S: Jacked up aircraft to 5000 feet, your right.

(explanation: RADALT only designed to work up to 5000 fT)

P: RADALT will not respond when flying inverted.

S: turned aircraft right side up, RADALT checks OK.

(RADALT works by bouncing a radar signal off of the ground!)

P: Radio does not work in STBY [standby] position.

S: Removed short between the headsets.

(exp: stby is only for warming up the old tube-type radio)

There were a whole host of others that I can't remember at the moment, but they sure made for some entertaining days laughing at pilots trying to sound important/technical.

MiSdIrEcTeD_1 · October 29, 2002

Pretty funny, smartass stuff...

Larry · November 15, 2002

That is funny. I think I have seen this somewhere before.

I am just earned my Platinum Elite status with Northwest Airlines as I flew just over 75,000 miles with them in 02’. I have missed Platinum by a few thousand miles the last couple years so it is a big deal for me. I always get upgraded to first class where the beers are cold and the seats are phat…hehe. I am usually in a motel room in anytown, USA when I visit this site. My frequent flyer miles also got the boss of me and I a free flight to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico a couple weeks ago too!

Anyway, the funniest thing I heard on a plane in a while was a whity flight attendant that came on the speaker after the “bong” (10K ft altitude indicator) and started with her routine spill. She goes on and on then says, “Blah, blah, blah….This IS a smoking flight, however, anyone wishing to smoke must step out on the right wing of the aircraft to enjoy the pleasure of nicotine”. My ears initially perked up since I smoke. I thought that was a dirty joke…..nobody else probably even noticed what she said.

The other funny thing that happened a few weeks ago in Houston on a Continental flight (Northwest’s southern partner) was our flight was delayed because of a seat belt problem in the cockpit. It seemed like we must have waited for at least 45 minutes for a technician to come up to inspect the problem. Everybody within eyeshot of me seemed to be getting impatient and restless, especially this attractive gal that was also sitting in first class across the row from me. Well, she finally decides to get up to use the “lavatory” but on her way out of the can she swung the door open real fast and popped the technician in the head as he was just walking by on the his way to the cockpit to check out the problem that had us sitting for so long for. She smacked him good a good one and it even drew blood and required a medic to examine him on the spot. You know, workman’s comp on top of the fact these ground crew clowns are union robots…so this guy was done for the night and probably took a month off work because of it. We end up waiting for another forever until they found another tech to fix the seatbelt problem.

I was lucky enough to have the best front row seat in the house on the right side of the 737 for this entertainment as I was in seat 1D and the can is on the left side right behind the cockpit. I laughed my butt off when I saw this whole ordeal unfold and thought about all the people on the flight that now were delayed even more because of this little inpatient winch. At that point I had already had a couple of bloody Mary’s so this whole thing seemed much funnier than it probably was. I didn’t land in Colorado Springs until shorty after midnight when I usually land at 9 pm.

I have a lot of stories of trials and tribulations of traveling but most of them are not funny :angry:

Dkalvin · November 16, 2002

ROFLMBO!! That is about the fourth time I've read those and I still laugh my a$$ off every time. Maybe because the're funny or maybe because I work for a major carrier and have seen some of those flight crews and mechanics.

cummins4953 · November 20, 2002

I went to Cancun a while back...Summer '01...and I swear, if you can find one, fly an AMERICAN carrier into and out of there. The pilots for the Mexican airline...can't remember the name...absolutely SUCK!!! Both finals, going into cancun and into atlanta...the pilot could not center in on the runway the entire way to the ground!! He must had through 20 degrees of rotation back and forth on each side the whole way in right up until about 100ft before touchdown. He scared the P1$$ out of everyone on that flight. That was probably the worst time I ever had in a commercial plane.

99Silver6.0 · November 20, 2002

Those are good! Ive never seen those before!

Race18 · June 22, 2003

That is funny, It reminds me of VIDS/MAF which was the same type form used in Naval Avaition in the late 70's and early 80's when I was in. Most of the time we wrote pilot error on the response area, to the stupid stuff.........LOL. There was a reason for us In-Flight Technicians.............LOL

DMAX Daddy · June 29, 2003

Rough Landing in Baltimore once, we bounced 4 or 5 times, real big ones:

Stewardess - "On Behalf of myself, the rest of your flight crew, including Captain Kangaroo, we welcome you to Baltimore"

MAC Flight Landing in Naples once:

Pilot: For the Air Force, the current time is 4 PM. For the Navy, The current time is 1600. For the Marines, Mickeys Big Hand is on the 12 and his little hand is on the 4.

Since it was flight with all branches of the Armed Forces on it, the laughter of the rest of us while watching the Marines fume was priceless!