Joke Thread

[MaverickZ71]

Ho Chow, an older Chinese guy who works for me, called in this morning and said, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

I said, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for some loving. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later he called me again. "I do what you say boss and I feel better. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[MaverickZ71]

My wife just said, "There hasn't been any sparks between us in a while." 

So, I tased her. 

That's how the fight started.

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

I'm getting stronger with age. 

I can now lift $100 of groceries with one hand!

[MaverickZ71]

My wife and I are self-employed. 

Last month after we paid all our bills we had some extra cash left over, so we voted on what to do with it. 

My wife said, "Let's save it." 

I voted, "Let's buy a new truck."

It was 1-1 until around 3:00 am when 750,000 votes came in for a new truck. Now my wife is suspicious.

[customboss]

13 hours ago, MaverickZ71 said:

My wife and I are self-employed. 

Last month after we paid all our bills we had some extra cash left over, so we voted on what to do with it. 

My wife said, "Let's save it." 

I voted, "Let's buy a new truck."

It was 1-1 until around 3:00 am when 750,000 votes came in for a new truck. Now my wife is suspicious.

You must live in Ohio. 

[diyer2]

 

[MaverickZ71]

Well, it finally happened.

My neighbors spoke to me,

so, I did what I had to do.

I strapped on an ankle monitor and went outside with my shirt on inside out and argued with a tree. That should hold them off for a while.

[MaverickZ71]

My wife and I were out bear hunting over the weekend when we came across a large mysterious hole in the ground.

It was so deep we couldn't see the bottom of it. 

I walked off looking for something to throw down the hole, hoping to see how deep it was.

I found a very heavy, old, rusty boat anchor nearby and my wife helped me throw it down the hole. We were standing there listening and looking over the edge when suddenly, we heard some wrestling in the brush behind us. 

As we both turned around we saw a goat come crashing through the brush and went flying past us and jumped head first right into the hole.

While we were standing there looking at each other and gazing into the hole trying to figure out what the hell was going on, an old farmer walked up. 

He asked us if we had seen his goat.

I said, “Yes sir, she ran right past us going like 80 miles an hour and jumped head first, right into this hole!"

“That’s impossible,” the man said.
"I had her chained to a very heavy boat anchor!”

[MaverickZ71]

I got laser eye surgery today.

The surgeon came in a little bit afterwards and asked me if I wanted the good news or the bad news first.

I said, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon said, "Well, you're about to get a new dog!"

[MaverickZ71]

If there is tech out there that can surge batteries until they explode, what does that mean for people who drive electric cars?

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]