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diyer2

Joke Thread

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How about laughing, not complaining to brighten your day?

Postem up guys. :happysad:

 

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:happysad:

Edited by SarahsGMC
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Wife sits down with husband after he walks in with a six pack of beer.

'' I've been looking at our finances and we're scratching to make it every month ''

Husband: '' I Work as hard as I can and even put in extra hours ''

Wife : '' Maybe it would hepl if you quit buying beer every Friday ''

Husband: '' Only treat I get out of the whole week, but if you think it's necessary! ''

 

Two weeks maybe 3 goes by and one Friday evening she comes home with a little bag and drops on the kitchen counter with the keys as she goes on to her room to change and refresh. Husband cannot stop himself and gets up to have a peak at the little bag, inside he finds a receipt for over $100 and all he sees is a tube of lipstick,nail polish and make-up. Well he returns to his big chair in front of the game where normally he would have enjoyed a cold beer.

 

When she comes back she notice that her husband seems steaming mad about something.

 

Wife : '' What's wrong dear? ''

Husband: '' I thought we were suppose to cut back on expenses and here you come home with over $100 worth of beauty aid''

Wife : '' Well that's to make myself pretty and sexy for you ''

Husband: '' What do you think the beer was for? ''

 

The screaming could be heard for miles until the ambulance came. He now sleeps alone with a cold beer.

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:happysad:

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ITALIAN HONEYMOON

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.
She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car .'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.
'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

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Ok, here's a bad one. What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

 

Give up???

 

 

Bird flu requires tweetment....

Swine flu requires oinkment....

 

 

wow, i said it would be bad, but the kids will eat it up.... enjoy!!!

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Did you hear about Cap'n Crunch?

 

He was murdered today.

 

They think it was done by a serial killer.

Edited by muddkatt
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Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

1. The later you come home, the happier your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don’t care if you play with other dogs.
3. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
4. Dogs are excited by rough play.
5. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
6. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
7. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
8. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
9. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
10. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
11. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
12. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
13. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
14. Anyone one can get a good-looking dog
15. When a dog gets old and cranky you can put it to sleep

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Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the testicles?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the testicles. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the testicles is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

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Simple but gold.

 

Sent from my SM-G550T using Tapatalk

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Hector is working in his garden when he sees Juan walking down the road with his hands cupped together. He asks.."Hey Juan...Where are you going?" Juan replies.." "I'm going to town. I have a butterfly and I'm taking it to town to trade it for a churn full of butter." Hector replies..."Oh Juan..You cannot do that.." Juan just winks and says.."You just wait and see." A little while later Juan returns down the road carrying a churn of butter...

The next day Hector is once again working in his garden when Juan walks past. And again his hands are cupped together. "Hey Juan...Where are you going?" Hector asks. "I am going to town. I have a horsefly and I'm going to trade it for a horse." Hector shakes his head and says..."Oh Juan..You cannot do that." "Ah..You just wait and see." Juan replies. And sure enough...not an hour later...Juan walks past leading a horse.

The next day Hector is once again working in his garden and Juan walks past...He shouts out..."Hey Juan..Where are you going?" Juan looks at him and replies..."I'm going to town. I have a **** willow and I"m.." At that moment Hector immediately interrupts hims..."Hey Juan...You wait just a second...I'll get my hat and coat and go with you!"
Edited by diyer2

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