Joke Thread

[customboss]

[MaverickZ71]

Feet loaf!  Follow in my footsteps for more recipes.

 

[MaverickZ71]

ABC saved my life. I had spent 6 weeks in a coma after a terrible accident. Last night, a visitor to my hospital room turned on ABC. 

I had to get up and change the channel.

[customboss]

[customboss]

[customboss]

[txab]

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

6 hours ago, customboss said:

Damn. Whatever happened to chicks going commando? 

[MaverickZ71]

6 hours ago, customboss said:

Nothing grows in the shade!

[customboss]

[MaverickZ71]

This morning I woke up with a huge hangover and a black eye. The first thing I  saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the nightstand and a note from my wife saying, “I made you breakfast and coffee.

I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!”

I stumbled into the kitchen and sure enough, breakfast and a hot pot of coffee was waiting for me.

My daughter was already at the table, eating. I asked her, “What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and fell over the coffee table and broke it, and that's how you got the black eye.

Confused, I asked, "So, why is your mother in such a good mood, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

She said, "Oh that! Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married! I'm married!”

[MaverickZ71]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. 

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. 

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. 

I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. 

When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”