Joke Thread

[MaverickZ71]

I went to the veterinarian today.

I said, "Excuse me doc, but I think my fish is epileptic."

He looked at my fish and said, "He seems fine to me."

I said, "Well you haven't taken it out of the water yet!"

[Grumpy Bear]

11 minutes ago, MaverickZ71 said:

They had trees back then?

All the way back to Eve! She didn't pick the fruit off a bush.  

[MaverickZ71]

For sale: Midwest Tupperware with Lids. No lowballs I know what I have. 

$50 obo

[MaverickZ71]

[Grumpy Bear]

1 hour ago, MaverickZ71 said:

 

3 foot machinery belt like the kind used to run a tractor driven sheller. (think razor strap with a woven steel core in a rubberized canvas sheath.)

 

 

Buckel end of that belt. Length of garden hose. Green switch. I've seen and/or felt them all. 

[diyer2]

When I was on the farm we had some belt driven machinery. An uncle still used horses to mow hay because he liked it, granted the field he mowed was close and small. I also remember when a horse died he pulled it with the tractor next to a bank and then dynamited the bank to cover the horse.

[MaverickZ71]

I was walking past the insane asylum the other day and all the patients were shouting, "13...13...13"
The fence was too high to see over, but there was a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. 
That's when some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14...14...14"

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

Well, the Royals were tied for first place for one game. In August. 

 

[diyer2]

 

[MaverickZ71]

There's one in every family. 

 

[MaverickZ71]

So very proud of my nephew--here's a photo I took of him getting an award from his teacher. 

 

 

 

Edited August 30, 2024 by MaverickZ71

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"