To those who have lost a loved one to Cancer or something else..

Colossus · December 20, 2018

It has been 2 years since my dear sweet old widowed mother was diagnosed with Merkel cell carcinoma. (Cancer)

This is a rarer form of the cancer that is not related to sun exposure but rather came on in the form of a tumor in her rear section. (butt cheek) They took out some of it, biopsied it, and confirmed it was cancerous. A surgeon removed the rest of it, along with infected lymph nodes in her front abdomen area, and she began radiation and chemo and IV drugs up until August of this year, when she called it quits due to the prognosis not being too good and wanting to have at least a few good months without the ill effects from chemo and radiation. For much of the past 2 years, I've not been working a full time job, only doing side jobs here and there, a lot of volunteer time with my church facilities maintenance team (helping to care for over 20 church owned buildings) and odd ends around the house, but mostly just wanting to be around for her, driving her to and from her appointments and trying to make her as comfortable as possible. I got rid of my truck last year because of the payments being too much and have been driving her vehicle around.

We are now getting into her final months left to live. Trying to prolong as much as we can with her staying here at home. She has a hospital type bed now to sleep in, a very nice LA-Z-Boy recliner/chair that can help stand her up, walker, and twice a week hospice medical care, but things are getting worse. It's just a matter of time now until she will need to go to a nursing home or assisted living facility. Hopefully after the holidays. I've been preparing myself for not having her around and for her passing for awhile now, but it still hurts like hell if I let myself get too deep into thought about it all. I have 2 brothers who are both married with 2 kids of their own, thankfully they live closeby and help out a lot. We also have a lot of help and support from our church- as my mother is very well loved. She is the type of person who you would consider a mother because of how kind and loving she is. I chose to stay living at home with her after my father died suddenly almost 20 years ago. I had nothing better to do and wanted to be there for her. But I think she was there more for me. Aside from a brief marriage that only lasted a few months, I've never really lived away from home. And I find myself miserable as I think about living my life alone when she passes. Part of me hopes that I pass on quickly after she does, seeing how I've let my health get shitty over the years (I am now 41) but part of me wants to stick around and try to be a great uncle to my awesome nieces and nephews. I just don't know. But regardless, change is coming and it is going to suck.

Do any of you who have gone thru loosing a loved one to cancer or something like it have any advice for me? We've got most of my mother's final affairs in order, she is a good planner and I and my brothers will be abiding by her wishes and desires. No conflicts there.

Thanks

ActingTruck · December 20, 2018

I am sorry you are going through that. I have as well.

It is ok to not want them to suffer. People feel a lot of guilt for *wanting* them to pass. There often comes a time when people feel this way. It is ok.

Chuckleberry · December 20, 2018

I just reached the end of a very similar journey with my mother 2 weeks ago. I'm not going to lie to you - it's going to hurt like hell going through the last few weeks with her, there's no way around that but you'll get through it.

The best advice I can give you is to remember one simple thing... Grieving is okay but there is no way in hell your mom would want you to feel sorry for yourself or let yourself go because she passed away - she would want the exact opposite. Don't forget that, even when it's tough...

txab · December 20, 2018

So sorry to hear. Prayers for the family. Your mom would want you to have your life to live. She appreciates you for all you've done. You do need to start taking care of yourself, now. There are support groups available to help you along the way. Hopefully you've already been involved with one already. It will be a change for you and won't be easy at first Unfortunately I know what you're going through. Lost my wife of 20 years, 4 years ago to an aneurysm. I had to make the decision when to call it quits on her treatment, as I knew what her wishes were, it wasn't a hard decision because of that.

Your going through part of the grieving process right now. You'll probably have a feeling of being lost for a bit, after she passes. It's a big change to go from the routine you've been carrying out for the last 2 years and getting back to a "normal" life. One thing to look at, and you may have already spoken with someone about it, is the "7 Stages of Grief". I've been through everyone of them with my wife's passing. Your situation may be different. When my dad died 30 years ago, I don't remember everything about how I was affected at the time. Have forgotten it now. Of course I was sad and had some depression, had some anger too, at some healthcare persons. I took care of him the last 6 months of his life. I do remember after he died, feeling like "what do I do now?" My routine had been him, and suddenly that was gone, so I had to move on and get back to my life.

Lean on family and friends to get you through. They won't know exactly what you're going through, but they can still help. Even your brothers may not understand, since they aren't there 24/7 like you are. If faith is part of your life, use that as well.

You can send me a PM anytime if you wish

99silveradoz71 · December 20, 2018

We lost my dad suddenly 10 years back, then my mom's mom to cancer the following year. Mom had retired about a year before my dad passed, so she was really able to help with coordinating things for my grandmother. Both my uncles had already passed, so it all was in my mom's hands anyway. Long story shorter, grandma was able to stay in her home and had hospice care near the end. Those folks are a blessing. My grandma was like a best friend to me, so I took the time to write a note which had all I wanted to say before she was gone. That helped me out, knowing my mom had read it to her while she was still with it enough to understand and appreciate what she meant to me.

Mom beat herself up when it came to the estate, questioning whether she could've gotten more for the house, why she let the buyer have grandma's dining room set for free, etc. (My one cousin is special needs and grandma/Mom wanted her estate to provide for his future) I had to tell her she did the best she could in a rough situation.

My advice, let her know what she means to you, keep her comfortable, spend the time you can, don't beat yourself up, take the time to grieve when it's time, but move forward living a life that will make her proud, and be there for and cherish the rest of your family.