real men, rise up!

antirice · January 29, 2004

Borrowed this from another site, I couldn't pass it up.

Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stands and I can't stand

no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men redecorating houses, talking about foreign concepts like "style", and "fixing" guys like myself. (If you haven't read it yet, go NOW and read Kim du Toit's "Pussification of the Western Male" essay.)

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell

"ENOUGH!" I hearby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE

dagnabit DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit

that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with crap. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your

home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if

need be. This falls under the "dealing with crap" portion of The

Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH CRAP. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. Buck up wussy.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a windsor knot when wearing a tie.

A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That crap is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. (If not, he can borrow some from my friend Daniel, who has enough wound stories to last for 3 lifetimes)

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't

hammer a d**n nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret

until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with crap.

Plus it's just fun to shoot.

These are just the tip of the iceberg. I need help fleshing out The

Code. Please let the testosterone flow and add your wisdom.

Note:

Crying. There are very few reason that a retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preffered method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can cry include ( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet ( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

ToeJam · January 29, 2004

Exactly!!!!

99silveradoz71 · January 29, 2004

"death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident"

Actually I recall hearing when I was younger about some guy who was "dealt with" by a leaf sucker...now I've seen a few of those in my day, and I'm pretty darn curious as to how you could get that acquainted with one...unless you're crawling around on the ground near the hose or something- and still?

Good post above though

tmf6902 · January 29, 2004

A treechipper accident.....shouldn't that be under the crying part too?? I guess it is, because how do you have a tree chipper accident, without losing a body part?? Does a vehicle count as a loved one??

chevy4x4trucks · January 29, 2004

Crying. There are very few reason that a retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preffered method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can cry include ( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet ( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

Just talking about this today at work. I think taking a shot in your boyz is another time that it's okay to cry. In fact most men will be able to relate and feel sympathy pains.

Right on with the rest of the chivalry stuff though. I'm shocked to see just how dead chivalry really is. I dunno, but I mean, I always hold the door for someone coming in behind me at work or school. If the situation arises I give up my seat for a lady. It's just common courtesy.

silverado man · January 29, 2004

here here.

TROYROBO · January 29, 2004

LarryE · January 29, 2004

none apply to me except opening a door for a lady

I'm more of a MetroSexual I guess

I like to dress well, won't kill any animals, don't eat red meat,

love shows like trading spaces and Will and Grace, don't drink beer(tastes like trash), and couldn't tie a Winsor Knot if my life depended on it.

Thats the joy of American everyones different.

chevy4x4trucks · January 29, 2004

none apply to me except opening a door for a lady

I'm more of a MetroSexual I guess

I like to dress well, won't kill any animals, don't eat red meat,

love shows like trading spaces and Will and Grace, don't drink beer(tastes like trash), and couldn't tie a Winsor Knot if my life depended on it.

Thats the joy of American everyones different.

I hear ya larry. I don't drink beer either (more a whiskey sour kinda guy and I whole heartedly agree w/ you on the taste, I only tried beer once and that sip was enough for me. I dislike the smell of it just like coffee, I won't drink any coffee either), I dress nice, don't go hunting, don't own any camo gear, or a gun for that matter.

Although I don't watch reality tv shows, the real world is enough entertainment for me. And I eat red meat, not a lot though, chicken just tastes better.