A Romantic Story

DownhomeVA · October 17, 2007

So there I was, lying underneath Louise...looking with the utmost curiosity at her intricate yet strangely beautiful undercarriage.

Confounded by its complexity, I lay there pondering my next move. Then, I see it. I grab my wrench and begin to crank away at the drain plug. Better get my handy bucket to catch all the dyno crap. After fumbling like a jackass with 10 thumbs for 5 minutes to find the socket that fits the nut, I am finally prepared to let loose the flow. "d**n this thing is on here tight!" Nothing makes you feel more manly than grunting like a pissed off 10 year old at a seemingly welded on drain plug bolt. 10 minutes later, defeated and dejected, I crawl out from under Louise. "Now how the f* am I supposed to get this thing off?" Seeking sage advice from my handly Chilton's, I come to the blinding realization that the drain plug I was trying to loosen was in fact NOT the oil pan, but the transmission fluid. Thank God for me being about as strong as a 5th grade cheerleader.

Rejuvenated by this discovery, I slide back under Louise and look for the "proper" drain. "Ah... there it is...well this looks like it's going to be messy." I note the location of the filter. "I'll do this first." Ten minutes later and with no success, I abandon the f*ing filter wrench and decide to bare hand it. BOOYA! There she goes. Just a few more turns...F*** S**** F**** AHH GOD D***IT!!!! Dyno crap erupts like Vesuvius, and I commence exclaiming a multitude of less-than-Christian expletives as I am getting 3rd degree burns on my hands and down my arms all the way up to the pits. Awesome. Bucket no where near the right place. Oil ALL OVER the driveway. Guess this shirt is now the "oil changing" shirt from here on out. The filter finally off, I continue my prolific use of profanities as I slide out from under Louise. "Where the hell is the hose?! Sweet. Don't want to get oil in the yard... I'll just wash off in the street." I look down and notice a rainbow river heading toward the storm drain. F*** it. The EPA can kiss my ass.

Climbing back under Louise (now lying in a puddle of dyno crud as well), I attach the new oil filter. Huzzah. Survived one disaster.

I grab my handy socket wrench and place it on the drain plug. This one ain't budging either. At this point I'm madder than a deaf-mute trying to ask for ice cream. To the shed to get the hammer. " This oughta do it." I commence to hammering the crap out of the wrench, and of course it falls off, striking me on the chin. Let forth the second round of less than Christian expletives.

20 minutes, 4 advil, and 1 bourbon and coke later, I finally achieve victory! The plug loosens. I position my bucket. This time, I got it right. Dyno crud flows freely through the drain and into my trusty crud bucket as I dance a merry jig beside Louise in broad daylight.

Victory is almost at hand. I replace the plug and pull the bucket out from under Louise. Time to put in the new Pennzoil Platinum uber righteous synthetic nectar of the gods.

"Well this is an awkward angle..." I think to myself as I stare quizzically into the engine compartment at the oil "thingy." "How the hell am I going to pour oil into that without getting it all over the rest of the crap in here?" Head to the shed. No funnels. Damnit. Here goes...yep, first try, significant spillage. "I reckon that'll just burn off or something..." I figure it out and successfully put the other 5 quarts into her oil belly with very minimal to no spillage. It's over.

I slam the hood, kick an empty bottle of pennzoil's finest, scratch my crotch and spit on the driveway in an uber display of self-righteous machismo. Louise, you made me a man today.

The End.

the10thtime · October 18, 2007

Wow was it really that hard for you to change your oil?? Maybe you should just take $15 and go down to the quick lube.....jeez

pwall · October 18, 2007

I would have to guess that it was written in humour. ;)

99silveradoz71 · October 18, 2007

Haha, very well done. I just determined that Maxine's going to have to go in the air for me to do a change now with that low front air dam and the steps. Big Blue went in the air for my comfort, but I could've slid under here without the stands if I wanted/needed to. Not on the new girl.

Draenor · October 18, 2007

The problem is, you should start out the oil change with 1 burbon and coke. Then when you encounter a problem; stop, get back, take a deep breath, and have another burbon and coke.

DownhomeVA · October 18, 2007

ahh so that's what I was doing wrong...

I'll get it right next time

-Devil- · October 24, 2007

ahhh .... sounds about like my second most memorible oil change ... the first one .. was quite an experience ...

late at night, in a small town ... riding in my old ford fairlane (63 model) .. had just finished putting a 302 in it (had a 160 straight 6 when i got it) ... didnt even have exhaust on the thing yet .. just straight pipes ... dumping out before the doors ... well i decided to rev it at a stop light,.... oil pressure bottomed out ... i limped to a parking lot .. to find out the oil filter had hit the sidewall of the engine compartment and proceded to coat the motor in a nice film ...

after some cussing .. and fussing .. and a big screwdriver to drive through the filter i had it off ... but then another problem came up ... it was almost 10pm ... and wal-mart closed at 10 .. so i had to find a ride there... and quick .. to get some more oil and a filter just to get the car home ...

managed to get in the door as they were trying to lock it .. and the lady did not want to argue with a guy that was covered in oil and cussing more then he was talking ...

picked up a shorter oil filter and a gallon of oil ... and make it back to the car ...

just as soon as i am topping off the oil .. a cop pulls up and shines his light on the huge puddle of oil that surrounds my car ... and of course asks about my plans to clean that up .. 'sure officer!, as soon as i am done with this... i am going to the nearest store to get cat litter!' (yeah right) ...

georgerosen06 · October 25, 2007

my first oil change I got the wrong size oil filter(guy at advanced auto parts dident know S**T) so I had to wait for my mom to get home at 5 so I could take her car to get the right filter....then when i got back i put the filter in put the plug it...which i stripped (i sware it started off stripped because that thing was hard as heck to get out in the first place) and the next time i had to get a new oil pan. sooo im right there with ya on the hard oil change sometimes!

kdogg · October 25, 2007

So there I was, lying underneath Louise...looking with the utmost curiosity at her intricate yet strangely beautiful undercarriage.

Confounded by its complexity, I lay there pondering my next move. Then, I see it. I grab my wrench and begin to crank away at the drain plug. Better get my handy bucket to catch all the dyno crap. After fumbling like a jackass with 10 thumbs for 5 minutes to find the socket that fits the nut, I am finally prepared to let loose the flow. "d**n this thing is on here tight!" Nothing makes you feel more manly than grunting like a pissed off 10 year old at a seemingly welded on drain plug bolt. 10 minutes later, defeated and dejected, I crawl out from under Louise. "Now how the f* am I supposed to get this thing off?" Seeking sage advice from my handly Chilton's, I come to the blinding realization that the drain plug I was trying to loosen was in fact NOT the oil pan, but the transmission fluid. Thank God for me being about as strong as a 5th grade cheerleader.

Rejuvenated by this discovery, I slide back under Louise and look for the "proper" drain. "Ah... there it is...well this looks like it's going to be messy." I note the location of the filter. "I'll do this first." Ten minutes later and with no success, I abandon the f*ing filter wrench and decide to bare hand it. BOOYA! There she goes. Just a few more turns...F*** S**** F**** AHH GOD D***IT!!!! Dyno crap erupts like Vesuvius, and I commence exclaiming a multitude of less-than-Christian expletives as I am getting 3rd degree burns on my hands and down my arms all the way up to the pits. Awesome. Bucket no where near the right place. Oil ALL OVER the driveway. Guess this shirt is now the "oil changing" shirt from here on out. The filter finally off, I continue my prolific use of profanities as I slide out from under Louise. "Where the hell is the hose?! Sweet. Don't want to get oil in the yard... I'll just wash off in the street." I look down and notice a rainbow river heading toward the storm drain. F*** it. The EPA can kiss my ass.

Climbing back under Louise (now lying in a puddle of dyno crud as well), I attach the new oil filter. Huzzah. Survived one disaster.

I grab my handy socket wrench and place it on the drain plug. This one ain't budging either. At this point I'm madder than a deaf-mute trying to ask for ice cream. To the shed to get the hammer. " This oughta do it." I commence to hammering the crap out of the wrench, and of course it falls off, striking me on the chin. Let forth the second round of less than Christian expletives.

20 minutes, 4 advil, and 1 bourbon and coke later, I finally achieve victory! The plug loosens. I position my bucket. This time, I got it right. Dyno crud flows freely through the drain and into my trusty crud bucket as I dance a merry jig beside Louise in broad daylight.

Victory is almost at hand. I replace the plug and pull the bucket out from under Louise. Time to put in the new Pennzoil Platinum uber righteous synthetic nectar of the gods.

"Well this is an awkward angle..." I think to myself as I stare quizzically into the engine compartment at the oil "thingy." "How the hell am I going to pour oil into that without getting it all over the rest of the crap in here?" Head to the shed. No funnels. Damnit. Here goes...yep, first try, significant spillage. "I reckon that'll just burn off or something..." I figure it out and successfully put the other 5 quarts into her oil belly with very minimal to no spillage. It's over.

I slam the hood, kick an empty bottle of pennzoil's finest, scratch my crotch and spit on the driveway in an uber display of self-righteous machismo. Louise, you made me a man today.

The End.

I don't know, but it sounds like you might have watched your 12 year old sister change your trucks oil backwards.

Here's how the story should have gone. With out the "drama."

There I was, changing my oil. I first let the engine cool for a while, at the same time drinking my "Jack and Coke." Then grabbed a wrench and drank some more. Set down that drink, lit a smoke, and then drained that d**n oil. While waiting for that, poured another. Grabbing the filter wrench, I took another drink. Then slowly taking off the filter, I lit a smoke and put the new filter in. At this point I can now succesfully recoat my driveway with old dinasour juice.

Taddahh.....

dietz4ibanez · October 25, 2007

I guess the majority of us have been doing our own oil changes for so long on our vehicles that we make the 10 minute oil change look time consuming! And at the same time I guess its a blessing that we dont have these problems everytime or we would be dummer than cavemen!