Tips for singing "the blues"

[General Lee 01]

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

 

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

 

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of:

"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

 

4. Good Blues cars:

a. Chevy

b. Ford

c. Cadillac

d. broken-down truck

 

5. Bad Blues cars:

a. Lexus

b. Subaru Outback

c. RAV4

d. The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile

 

6. No car? No problem. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

 

7. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

 

8. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis, and Kansas City are still the best place to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

 

9. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

 

10. You can't have the Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

 

11. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

 

Not Blues places:

a. Augusta National

b. Barnes & Noble

c. Red Lobster

d. Dillard's

 

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an elderly black man, and you slept in it.

 

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt

b. you blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

 

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund

 

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also have a leg up on the Blues.

 

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

 

Other acceptable Blues drinks are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. nasty black coffee

 

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Gatorade

c. Zima

d. Slim Fast

 

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's the Blues.

 

Other good Blues deaths:

a. substance abuse

b. stabbed in the back by a jealous lover

c. cold and alone in a railroad boxcar

d. the 'lectric chair

 

It's not a Blues death if you die while:

a. playing tennis

b. having liposuction

c. talking on a cell phone during rush hour

d. surfing

 

17. Some good Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b Bessie

c. Big Mama

d. Fat River Dumpling

 

Not so good:

a. Tiffany

b. Calista

c. Tipper

d. Mary Kate or Ashley

 

18. Some good Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

 

Not so good:

a. Cameron

b. Trey

c. George W.

d. Carottop

 

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,Lime,Kiwi,etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi")

 

20. If you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, no matter how many men you shoot in Memphis.