Joke Thread

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

[diyer2]

[MaverickZ71]

In this economy, you have to get innovative. 
So, I took down my American flag and peeled the NRA sticker off my front door. I disconnected our home alarm system and quit showing up for my 'neighborhood watch' shift.
I purchased two Pakistanian flags on OfferUp and raised them in my front yard, one at each corner, plus a black isis flag in the middle. Now, The local police, Sheriff, FBI, CIA, Homeland security and secret service are watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $65.48 a month!

[MaverickZ71]

Like the dude whose parents asked to come help them with the garden bed in their yard.
He wrote a long message explaining to them not to touch the garden because it is where he buried the stuff to hide it.
And when the parents woke up the next morning, the garden bed was well tilled. The FBI, the local Sheriffs, the CIA, the police were waiting, and asked them, where is the stuff?
The dude said, it's my son who knows where it is." And they say call him now.
He called and told the son that the FBI was asking where the stuff was. And he answered, "Is your garden done?"
The dad, more than done.
And son goes say thank you to the FBI and tell them I wanted the easy way to have your garden done.

[MaverickZ71]

The other day my wife and I were driving down a country road and we ran over a possum. 

Knowing that mother possum's often carry babies in their pouch, we decided to check out this poor animal.

Sure enough there was a baby, so we decided to rescue it. 

We put it in the car and continued down the road. The little baby was scared and squirming all around so my wife asked me what she should do. 

I thought about it for a minute and said, “Well it's used to being in its mother's pouch. 

Maybe you unbutton your jeans and put it in there, and it will calm down.” 

She said, “I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!”

I said, “Well, why don't you just hold its little nose!”

[MaverickZ71]

In 1980 it took 4500 bushel of wheat to buy a top of the range 1500. 

Today it takes 15000 bushel of wheat to buy the same 1500. 

Somehow that's hilarious in DC and Detroit.

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

Here I am . . . 

 

[MaverickZ71]

"A starving asylum seeker was greeted at the border by a genie who granted him three wishes! 

He said, “I'm hungry, and a huge banquet of food appeared in front of him. 

He said, “I want a nice house, and a 25,000 check appeared in front of him for a down payment. 

For his final wish he said, “I want to be a real American!”

Instantly, everything he had vanished. 

He asked, “Where did everything go?”

“You are an American now my friend," said the genie. "Start acting like it.”

[MaverickZ71]

Heart-wrenching rags to riches story!

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for a shoe shine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO, "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" 

The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?" 

The shoe shiner replied, "I have millions in your bank," he said, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market." 

"What's your name?" asked the executive. 

David R. Johnson, was his reply. 

The CEO arrived back at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department, "Do we have a client named David R. Johnson? 

"Certainly," answered the Customer Service Manager, "He is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account." 

The executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, "Mr. Johnson, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience." 

At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the board members. 

We all know Mr. Johnson, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Johnson is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him. 

Mr. Johnson began his story. 

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. 

The first thing I did was change my name to Johnson. I was hungry and exhausted. 

I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. 

I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. 

I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.

I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. 

I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.

After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  

I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. 

A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at a great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in DC, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars.”

[Grumpy Bear]

7 hours ago, MaverickZ71 said:

Here I am . . . 

 

 

Stuck in the middle with you.....