Joke Thread

[Coby7]

If you're married to a bitch, prison sounds nice if he's toothless.

[j-ten-ner]

 

 

[diyer2]

I don’t claim to know too much about CPR …

 

But if anyone is going to bring this guy back to life,
my money is on the girl on the right…

[Grumpy Bear]

 

 

 

Edited April 1, 2017 by Grumpy Bear

[diyer2]

[diyer2]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[diyer2]

Top Ten Country Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. I've got tears in my ears from lying on my back, cryin' over you

And the Number One Country & Western song is ...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day.

[diyer2]

[diyer2]

[diyer2]

sign in a bar window

husband day care center

need time to relax?
need time to yourself?
want to go shoppimg?

leave your husband with us!
we'll look after him for you !
you only pay for his drinks !

[diyer2]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Boobs."

[diyer2]

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week.

Edited April 13, 2017 by diyer2

[diyer2]

Judi had her eye on Jaguar XK140 convertible she spotted at a local dealership. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. After she got her bonus check at work, she decided to finally get it and few hours later she was tearing down the leafy country road enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have any clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her cell phone with her and made a call to the AAA. After a short wait, she saw a AAA car pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just broke down I'm afraid."

"Let me have a look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

[diyer2]

[diyer2]