Joke Thread

[MaverickZ71]

Things that make you go HMMM. 

 

Edited June 27, 2024 by MaverickZ71

[MaverickZ71]

Doug pulled his car into his garage and then sealed the doors and windows the best he could. 

 

He got back into his car, rolled up all the windows, selected his favorite playlist and started the car. 

 

2 days later, a worried neighbor looked through the garage window and saw Doug in the car. 

 

She called 911 and the emergency services came out. They broke into Doug's garage and pulled him from the car.

 

A little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery. 

[MaverickZ71]

Let’s face it, American English is a stupid language when you really and truly think about it.

 

There is no egg in eggplant.

No ham in hamburger.

Neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. 

 

English muffins were not invented in England.

French Fries were not invented in France.

 

We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes, we find that:

 

Quicksand takes you down slowly,

boxing rings are square,

and a Guinea Pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

If writers write, then why can’t fingers fing? 

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, then what the heck does a humanitarian eat?

 

Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways, and drive on parkways?

 

How can the weather be hot as hell on one day, and cold as hell on another?

 

You have to marvel and laugh at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up, and yet it burns down.

 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars 

are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

 

When a watch gets wound, it starts, but winding this up, it ends.

Edited June 27, 2024 by MaverickZ71

[MaverickZ71]

You can walk around Walmart eating grapes and nobody will bother you, but as soon as you pop open a beer, here comes security.

[MaverickZ71]

I always see more people walking into Walmart than I see walking out, but the meat is cheap, so I don't ask questions. 

[MaverickZ71]

This one's for you, Grump:

 

How can you tell a Girl Ant from a Boy Ant?

Put them in water.

A Girl ant sinks. 

A Boy ant floats.

 

[MaverickZ71]

Follow me for more DIY top tips. 

 

[MaverickZ71]

[MaverickZ71]

4 hours ago, MaverickZ71 said:

This one's for you, Grump:

 

How can you tell a Girl Ant from a Boy Ant?

Put them in water.

A Girl ant sinks. 

A Boy ant floats.

 

Buoyant. Get it?

[Grumpy Bear]

11 hours ago, MaverickZ71 said:

Buoyant. Get it?

 

Don't you hate having to explain a joke? Yesh.....

[MaverickZ71]

2 hours ago, Grumpy Bear said:

 

Don't you hate having to explain a joke? Yesh.....

Yeah, work with me here.

[KARNUT]

16 minutes ago, MaverickZ71 said:

Yeah, work with me here.

Honestly, out of a possible 10 points. Maybe a 1.

[MaverickZ71]

10 hours ago, KARNUT said:

Honestly, out of a possible 10 points. Maybe a 1.

 

[Grumpy Bear]

I see people my age out there climbing mountains and zip lining and here I am feeling all good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance. 

[KARNUT]

34 minutes ago, Grumpy Bear said:

I see people my age out there climbing mountains and zip lining and here I am feeling all good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance. 

Yea, they don’t show the next day,week,month. What I can do hasn’t changed. How long and recovery that’s a different story. I could and did drive 33 hours straight pulling my equipment. At 40 half that without resting. Now I stop a rest after 8. And needing to stop every 11/2 hours to walk around. My average mph for the 33 hour trip was 68 mph. Now with the wife it’s 50 mph per 8 hours. When I first bought this house 25 years ago. I could mow the lawn, weed eat, wash two vehicles run my errands by noon. Now it’s a continuous project for the week. And I have a monthly pass for car washes. And shops for vehicle maintenance. A monthly deep cleaning house service.