Navigating senior years.

Donstar · March 21, 2025

An apparently sweet, senior lady lives across the street with her middle aged son and daughter-in-law. We've met this lady a few times while out walking. She is quiet but always greets us with a smile and a hello. The son informed us yesterday that they are looking for a facility for his mother as dementia is creating an unsafe environment in their home. We were shocked when we heard what has been going on in their home over the past couple of years. You never know what goes on behind closed doors! This man found a sympathetic ear from us because we took in my mother when she really needed institutional level care many years ago. It took us a year to find my mum a proper facility after we realized we were in over our heads. That year was brutal. She returned to being my sweet old mum for six final years in a facility equipped to help her make the best out of her life. I fully appreciate the desire to give back to our aging parents and that a multi-generational home can be a beautiful environment. I urge anyone considering bringing in an aging parent to seek advice from experienced caregivers. If, after your research, you think its still a good idea, look again! Your sweet, petit, loving and wise mum/dad can unwittingly create major havoc in your otherwise peaceful home.

KARNUT · March 21, 2025

7 minutes ago, Donstar said:

An apparently sweet, senior lady lives across the street with her middle aged son and daughter-in-law. We've met this lady a few times while out walking. She is quiet but always greets us with a smile and a hello. The son informed us yesterday that they are looking for a facility for his mother as dementia is creating an unsafe environment in their home. We were shocked when we heard what has been going on in their home over the past couple of years. You never know what goes on behind closed doors! This man found a sympathetic ear from us because we took in my mother when she really needed institutional level care many years ago. It took us a year to find my mum a proper facility after we realized we were in over our heads. That year was brutal. She returned to being my sweet old mum for six final years in a facility equipped to help her make the best out of her life. I fully appreciate the desire to give back to our aging parents and that a multi-generational home can be a beautiful environment. I urge anyone considering bringing in an aging parent to seek advice from experienced caregivers. If, after your research, you think its still a good idea, look again! Your sweet, petit, loving and wise mum/dad can unwittingly create major havoc in your otherwise peaceful home.

My mother in law in her 80s needed to go to a memory care vacility a couple of years ago. She’s thriving there. I’m all for assisted living if you find the right one. After the initial resistance she’s practically running the place and couldn’t be happier. The structure atmospheres and being around people like her makes her feel secure. With her retirement income and rent from her house. Her savings will last as long as she needs. My wife checks in almost daily and our lives go on as normal.

Donstar · March 26, 2025

A friend had to say goodbye to her suffering dog last week and my son has just informed me that he has an appointment to say goodbye to his cat of 15+ years next week. My friend had a week's notice ahead of the final event and chose to devote all of her attention to her pet during their remaining time together. She took her beloved dog to all his favouite spots and treated him to all he wanted to eat. She lavished him with all of the love and attention she could muster. When my son called to tell me his sad story about his cat, he was a mess. I told him what my friend did and advised him to do the same. My advice was immediately adopted and is proving very helpful for him dealing with the sadness such a loss brings. When you get to be our age you have experienced death of pets and humans. Parting on a happy note makes this painful event more tolerable. Our dog is old age and has health issues. I find myself paying a little more attention to her these days. Saying goodbye to Star will be extraordinarily tough and when the end comes I wish to spend my time focusing on good memories, not regrets.

diyer2 · March 26, 2025

Losing a pet is very hard, still think of our last pet we lost a lot. Been 3 years now.

Edited March 26, 2025 by diyer2

Donstar · March 26, 2025

After the death of our last dog we vowed never to get another dog because we didn't want to experience such loss ever again. Well the decision to never own a dog again lasted less than two years. Twelve years ago we found a 2 year old dog in a rescue facility who asked us nicely to take her home. It's a cute story as this dog actually did appear to ask me to take her home. We've owned a few dogs but none were as communicative as this one. The number of words, phrases and signals she understands is remarkable. When she wants to tell us something she uses her body and snorts or sneezes to make us understand. If we don't understand her, she'll modify her gestures until we do understand! We compile a list of words we use and things she may "say" when we hire a dog sitter. People think we exaggerate our Star's communication skills but quickly change when they find themselves deep in conversation with a dog!

KARNUT · March 26, 2025

My wife and her little dog communicate all the time. It was a rescue with distemper that would have died if not for my wife and it’s will to live. The vet swore she wouldn’t have made it 6 years ago. The dog dances throwing things in the air. I never seen a dog express such happiness. It will fall backwards next to my wife shoulder when my wife lays on the couch. She follows my wife everywhere. If my wife is behind a closed door. She comes and looks at me like I hid her. We had a few over the years. Nothing like this one.

Donstar · March 29, 2025

A TV show we were watching ended with a young 30 ish woman waking from a 22 year coma. The idea of this ever occurring in real life is mind boggling. One of the thoughts that came to my mind is an 80 year old friend of ours who lives her senior years in her teens and twenties. Her points of reference regarding social interactions, accomplishments, loss, love etc. will be drawn from her adolescent or young adult life. It's a struggle to try to share highlights with her about middle and senior years. It's like she wasn't present before or after her teens and twenties! I have fond memories of my youth but I live in the present. I am knowledgeable about the best walker or lift chair to buy and will openly tell you when I will be napping!

Donstar · March 31, 2025

First grandchild is off to University in the fall. Times have changed but this step is still a huge milestone in a person's life. The dynamics surrounding his attendance are much different than mine but overall no more or less stressful than in our day. I once thought the the pressure on my grandson will be less because his parents helped him choose the institution and will be paying the bills. I had to earn, borrow and pay for my tuition and accommodation. My choice of post secondary institutions were influenced by cost. The pressure to succeed for me was personal and kept me on task but my grandson will be under the added pressure of parental monitoring. Students of my generation relied on paper and print. Essays were were researched by spending hours in the book stacks and were typed out letter by letter on a typewriter. Now, Google and Word may save time with such tasks but this adds commensurate expectations in quality and content. Referring to the past as simpler times does not mean they were easier or harder. The path to becoming an independent adult is exciting, scary and hard work! .... Always has - always will!

diyer2 · March 31, 2025

IMO

He's got it made. Paid education and computers.

KARNUT · March 31, 2025

My three got scholarships. The two girls got some kind of singing scholarship to a small school. My son got a bowling scholarship. I told them I wasn’t going to pay for a full ride. It would put a big dent in the retirement fund. I did provide them with a car. Usually one of our older cars. My oldest got a Pontiac Fiero GT. The second daughter wasn’t a very good driver. A Mercury Grand Margie. I felt bad about that so later a V-6 mustang. My wife had it a year and hated it. My son got a Camaro Z-28. I reward hard work. I don’t believe it hand outs. All quit after two years. Became successful without a 4 year education. One daughter became a barber and loves it. She’s very pretty like her mother. Stays busy. Gee wonder why? The other was a very successful event planner. Lupus slowed her down. My son could sell ice to an Eskimo. Currently selling solar panels. They all admit to me. If we had paid for it. They would have road the money train the four years. Incentives not hand outs. My son actually didn’t finish his second year. He paid me some for the car. And room and board after college. Again no handouts.

Donstar · April 1, 2025

Parents adopt a parenting style that they think best and is within their abilities. We all can pat ourselves on the back when we see our kids grow into successful adults. My wife and I provided similar types of support to all three of our children and they are now three uniquely successful middle aged adults. Transitioning to adulthood is hard no matter your parents ability or willingness to pay the post secondary bill. I see the same apply in retirement. The financial part is huge but more money doesn't necessarily translate to success or failure in our golden years.

KARNUT · April 1, 2025

Parenting style has definitely changed. It’s more entertaining than parenting. Until I was 12 it was military style it seemed. Very structured. Seen not heard. If we went out, a rare occurrence respectful no nonsense. Spanking was very rare. I didn’t want to get that man angry. I’ve seen it, didn’t want any part of that. My mother a stay at home mom had a pink stick on display. Very happy self reliant childhood. At 12 we became peers having real dialogue with the parents, to a point. Today parents are quilt tripped into entertaining the little monsters. Some by the monsters themselves. Or keeping up with their own peers. Listening to some family members who are teachers. It’s a madhouse. The monsters think they’re in control. Parents are giving in instead of teaching kids. Probably because they both work and are exhausted. Especially if you add whatever event you came home from that evening. There’s very little teaching time because there’re always entertained. When there’s idle time without a device they act out. Just go to a restaurant all the kids have devices. It they don’t they’re running around. It’s a mess.