Joke Thread

diyer2 · February 7, 2020

Grumpy Bear · February 25, 2020

If you boil your funny bone

It becomes a laughing stock

And that's Humerus

Donstar · February 26, 2020

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."

Grumpy Bear · March 1, 2020

Nice thing about not having anything is no one want's to take it from you.

I came into this world with nothing. I have most of it left.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Grumpy Bear

davester · March 1, 2020

The last joke is WAY funnier if "what's" is changed to "want's"...

Grumpy Bear · March 1, 2020

7 hours ago, davester said:

The last joke is WAY funnier if "what's" is changed to "want's"...

Thanks Dave. Brain fart.

Donstar · March 3, 2020

Yesterday, I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.

So, today I went over to Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, -"Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on. I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don’t think I looked that bad!

Just need to wear underwear more often!