Joke Thread

[MaverickZ71]

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway...I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.

 

So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint. 

[diyer2]

 

[MaverickZ71]

[richard wysong]

No, they don't

[diyer2]

[diyer2]

[MaverickZ71]

A man called a company and ordered their 5-day, 5 lbs weight loss program.

 

The next day, there was a knock on his door and standing before him was a gorgeous, 19 year old wearing nothing but a sign around her neck that said, "If you can catch me, you can have 

me."

 

Without a second thought, he took off after her. 

 

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gave up.

 

The same girl showed up for the next four days and the same thing happened.

 

On the fifth day, he weighed himself and was delighted to find he had lost 5 lbs as promised.

 

He called the company and ordered their 5-day/10lbs program. 

 

The next day there was a knock at his door and standing there before him was the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he had ever seen in his life.

 

She was wearing nothing but a sign around her neck that read, "If you catch me you can have me".

 

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. 

 

So for the next four days, the same routine happened with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

 

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighed himself, he discovered that he had lost another 10lbs as promised.

 

He decided to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

 

"Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

 

"Absolutely," he replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

 

The next day there was a knock at his door and when he opened it he found a huge male gorilla standing there with a sign around its neck that read, "If I catch you, you are mine." 

 

He lost 45 pounds that week. 

 

Edited January 14, 2024 by MaverickZ71

[diyer2]

 

[MaverickZ71]

How bout them Packers?

Edited January 15, 2024 by MaverickZ71

[KARNUT]

16 minutes ago, MaverickZ71 said:

How bout them Packers?

I’m memorized by the Texans. There’re attitude (especially the quarterback) may bring me back to football. No NASCAR or Baseball I watch the playoffs. The keeling episode really made me angry. I’m not much of a fan of the Cowboys. Mainly because of the ownership. He killed a dynasty costing a few more potential Super Bowls. 

[Grumpy Bear]

41 minutes ago, MaverickZ71 said:

How bout them Packers?

 

Packers' offense is confusing for defenses. They have the tells of a cat. Every play looks the same in the beginning. 

[MaverickZ71]

It is so cold outside!

 

How cold is it??

 

It is so cold, I just saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!!

[davester]

15 hours ago, KARNUT said:

I’m memorized by the Texans. There’re attitude (especially the quarterback) may bring me back to football. No NASCAR or Baseball I watch the playoffs. The keeling episode really made me angry. I’m not much of a fan of the Cowboys. Mainly because of the ownership. He killed a dynasty costing a few more potential Super Bowls. 

What did you do to get memorized by the team?   Did they ban you from the stadium or something?  Or is it up to a restraining order?

[KARNUT]

4 hours ago, davester said:

What did you do to get memorized by the team?   Did they ban you from the stadium or something?  Or is it up to a restraining order?

Got love that spell check. My wife of almost fifty years loves to correct my miss speak. I always say you know what I mean Lucy. Of course you have to be around my age to know who said  that.

[Grumpy Bear]

1 hour ago, KARNUT said:

Got love that spell check. My wife of almost fifty years loves to correct my miss speak. I always say you know what I mean Lucy. Of course you have to be around my age to know who said  that.

 

Yes Ricky